I’m taking today to feel sorry for myself. I have spent the last 2 months trying to make everyone else feel better, pretending all is normal, this is just a temporary blip ..but it is exhausting. I’m tired, sad and scared. This isn’t normal. This isn’t just an ordinary Christmas. In 4 days I start chemotherapy. The better part of the upcoming year will be spent fighting cancer and how many years afterwards will be spent worrying that it’s come back?  Tomorrow I will put on a happy face and on the 27th I will begin my journey to survivorship, but today I am going to cry and be pissed and give myself a splitting headache. Later on after I’ve ruined a few batches of cookies I am going to have a big extra dry martini.  Merry Christmas.