Forgiveness

for·give·ness
ˌfərˈɡivnəs/
noun
  1. the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
    “she is quick to ask forgiveness when she has overstepped the line”
    synonyms: pardonabsolutionexonerationremissiondispensationindulgenceclemencymercy;

    reprieveamnesty;
    archaicshrift
    “we beg your forgiveness”If

     

     

    If you are human, you have likely asked for and been asked for forgiveness.  We all sometimes hurt someone’s feelings inadvertently or maybe even on purpose, take something without asking, cut someone off in conversation.. little transgressions or big ones. Some people find themselves begging forgiveness in a court of law.  And if  you are a believer you ask forgiveness often and know it is given.

     

    I was recently asked for forgiveness in a well rehearsed, very dramatic video.  I listened all the way through but could not watch after the first few minutes.  I am struggling with this. I do forgive, because I have to for my own peace of mind but am I obligated to forget?  Am I supposed to act like this person did not break my heart, destroy my sense of security, shatter my trust and actively attempt to destroy relationships with the few family members I have left?  All out of childishness, spite and a very distorted sense of entitlement.  Do I ignore the timing?  There were many, many opportunities to clear the air.  I waited patiently, was treated to more abuse and harassment, manipulations and twisting of facts until I finally said no more and put it all in my past and started to heal.  And now because their situation has changed and they are looking to “reconnect” the band-aid gets ripped off and I’m bleeding out again.

Forgive and forget?  nah. Forgive and move on.

 

 

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I’m not crazy, you’re crazy

Ever read those “My Guardian Angel” stories in magazines?   The ones where someone asks for a sign from a departed loved one and lo and behold they start finding shiny dimes everywhere, birds serenade their every move and butterflies flit about their heads in weird synchronized formation?  Have you ever asked for a sign?   Or thought you had gotten an unsolicited one?  I can remember seeing a huge black and white butterfly the day Comet passed. I had never seen one quite like it before or since.  I’m sure it was a weird coincidence though, because if he was able to come back it would mostly likely be something a little more chaotic than a butterfly.  Probably a chupacabra or something.

I was sitting on the deck yesterday thinking about my husband and sister and other family members who passed in the summer. I looked at the butterfly bush  we planted as a memorial and said out loud “where is my damn sign?” and then went back to my book.   A little later I was scouting around the house and deck looking for my little indoor cat who had decided to make a break for it when I let the dog out.  I passed a large honeysuckle bush below my living room window and noticed a wind chime was missing.   I have a lot of them in the trees around the house but I had just bought this one and hung it where I would see it every day.  It had a wine cork, silver feather and some plastic yellow bead for weight.   I liked having it close to the window because it had nice tone.. not too loud.  I looked everywhere and started to feel a little put out that someone would take it, then a little nervous. I don’t exactly live on the street and this was pretty close to my back door.  I even looked in all the other trees where I might hang wind chimes just in case I had taken up sleep walking and nocturnal redecorating. It was nowhere.  This morning when I went out to get my morning paper I did another scan. Nothing.  When I was passing by a lilac bush on the way back to the house  it. was. right. there.  Hanging in plain sight, over a large planter I had watered the night before.  It was hanging from a branch just out of my reach. I can see it from several vantage points, both inside and out.   It would be hard to miss.   So why couldn’t I see it yesterday and how did it get there?    Oh, and the yellow bead?  It’s a butterfly.  I had never noticed.

Every time things settle down there is always that one person who has to reintroduce chaos and unease into the mix and just on cue, this week of all weeks, it’s looking like another shit storm on the horizon. I am feeling unsettled and unnerved.  Maybe I moved the damned wind chime and can’t remember, or the guy mowing the lawn got tired of hitting his head.  Or maybe it is a sign that I’m not alone in this.

Either way, it made me laugh out loud there in my driveway at 7:30 a.m. in my nightgown with a windbreaker over it and a serious case of bed head.  Like the neighbors don’t already wonder…..

 

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Anniversaries

anniversaries

 

June 1st would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary and June 6 was the 5 year anniversary of his death.   5 years.  It doesn’t seem possible. It’s a blink and a lifetime. In 5 years I have found new employment, made new friendships and rediscovered old friends.  I have had to take on a bigger role in family members’ care – took a crash course or two to that end. Have proudly watched both of my daughters buy their first homes – completely on their own.  We recently visited my nephew in London where he is following his dreams and making his mama proud.

I am slowly building a life of my own and no longer feeling guilt for enjoying it. I’m getting closer to making a decision about my home.  I trust that when the time is right the decision will make itself.

Last year I had to say goodbye to the world’s worse dog and I miss him terribly.  He lived almost three years to the day from the time I wrote about his  cancer.  Comet  And it was a good three years.

Speaking of cancer and anniversaries, I am still cancer free and only have to see the oncologist once a year.  Still on medication for another ?8 years and probably longer since they keep moving the goal posts.  My diagnosis was 6 years ago and end of (the tough) treatment 5 years.  There’s that number again.   I’d play the lottery but I used up all my luck in high school.

Whenever I’m absent from the blog for any length of time I feel guilty for not keeping up with all of the wonderful bloggers I follow.   I’m going to sign off for now and do some catching up. I hope I find you all well .hugs_drib_cindysuen

 

 

 

 

 

Being thankful

It’s that time of year to take stock of all we have to be thankful for.

I am thankful for friends and family who have stood by me through some pretty horrific shit.

I am thankful for those who removed themselves when they found they could not stand by me.

I am thankful for my continued health (5 years this month since my diagnosis) and the health of my children and parents.

I am thankful I was given a chance at a job I had zero experience with, where I get to make a difference in people’s lives every day.

I am thankful I live in a country where I can voice my displeasure and disappointment in the results of a contentious election without fear.

I’m thankful for the people who read, comment on, and like this blog and share themselves in their own blogs.

I’m thankful for the 50 years I had with my sister and the 30 years I had with my husband. I will miss them both every day of my life, but the memories will live on in my heart forever .

I hope you all have a lot to be thankful for today, too.  xxxooo

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