Today is the end of phase one of my chemotherapy treatment.

Today is the last in a series of four rounds of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. I had been looking forward to it as the halfway point and thought I would be happier to see the day come. But instead I focus on the fact that after a 3 week hiatus I am onto phase two.. weekly Taxol for 12 weeks. And then I still won’t be done, it will be onto radiation.  On the AC I had two good weeks out of three the first two rounds. This last round honestly left me feeling pretty exhausted right through. I’ve now developed allergies (never been a problem in the past) where my nose runs and my eyes weep constantly.  Claritin doesn’t help and I’m hoping my Oncologist can recommend something else today.  We have a lot of family events coming up in the spring – birthdays, one daughter graduating college, the other grad school, visits from family. I had big plans to celebrate these milestones, but not knowing how I will feel on weekly chemo, things are kind of hanging and that makes me feel unsettled. 

When I started journaling about this whole thing I was determined to keep it light and upbeat but I’ve come to understand how disingenuous that is.  No one can be positive 100% of the time, no one should feel they have to be. Of course I could choose to only blog when I am feeling positive, but I think more people can relate to the fact that in all aspects of life there are good days and really, really bad days and this fact is no less so when facing a life threatening disease, no matter how brave you want to appear to others (or how brave you think others need for you to appear). And I also think when someone comes along and reads these blogs they need to know that their negative feelings are real and valid and normal! And so is gallows humor if that’s what helps. Most days I can be depended on to make a really tasteless comment about cancer that will either crack someone up or completely disgust them. When it’s the former I appreciate their understanding of my comedic brilliance. When it’s the latter I channel my inner honey badger cuz honey badger don’t give a sh-t!

Today I am going to try and channel my inner glowworm and spread some sunshine.