Reblogging this because it’s an important topic for all couples, regardless of your age, state of health, whether or not you have children. We had those conversations, mainly because of the sudden death of my sister and my cancer diagnosis. He, of course, was going to live forever. Being eleven years younger I always had a sense I would be widowed at some point until the events of 2012, which seemed to level the playing field a bit. And to Wife After Death, ask yourself what you would want for him, had you gone first. xxoo
If you are lucky enough to still have your spouse intact, I have a question.
Do you ever discuss, you know, the D word? Is ‘death’ part of your warm, couply vocabulary, or is it one of those subjects like exes and the fact that it took him SO FUCKING LONG to propose that is never broached?
Even after He was critically ill, and the click-whoosh of His mechanical heart valve kept me awake at night, my husband and I never discussed what would happen in the event of the other’s death. It was taboo, I guess because it had almost been reality and neither of us wanted to think about the what ifs.
Besides, that Registrar in the hospital, the little fella with whom I high-fived like a fucking cheerleader when I saw him months later in the heart clinic, stated quite clearly that Mark ‘would have a normal life span’…
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It’s such an important, albeit difficult topic to discuss, Sue. My Mom has been widowed twice: once at the age of 40 suddenly, when my bio-Dad succumbed to a fatal myocardial infarction (heart attack) and the 2nd time 7 years ago, when my awesome stepdad succumbed to heart failure. My cousin lost her husband on September 6th 2012 while he was having surgery to remove an obstruction that had occurred during a previous surgery for lung cancer. He was 53 years young. It’s a difficult process, as I’ve watched friends and family deal with the sudden and not-so-sudden deaths of their beloved spouses over the years. So, yes, important to discuss. As of currently, I have not yet established my own will and testament, and neither has my soon to be spouse. But, we’ll be doing so in the near future. Because one never knows.
When my first husband had leukemia, we never talked about death. I felt that if I did, it would cause him to lose hope, and I didn’t want that. He fought so hard to live. But when he ended up in the ER after contracting meningitis, and they asked about DNR orders and living wills… I had nothing. And it was tough. He survived that, but when he awoke, I asked. His request was “to do everything I could”. In the end, I did have to make the decision to stop all treatments and “make him peaceful” until he passed. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. With my second husband, I do try, but he’s the one who is resistant. With two cancers under my own belt, you think it would be easier and he would be more receptive! But I couldn’t agree more that this is an important topic for ALL couples, regardless of age. They should make you talk about it before you get married or something!
I think of you often and hope you are hanging in there.
It is an important conversation to have ~ also to have a Living Will. I’m not being morbid, but you need to think about what you want and don’t want ~ and make sure that the person you choose to make those decisions for you, can really do it. Sometimes they don’t want that responsibility.