June 1st would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary and June 6 was the 5 year anniversary of his death. 5 years. It doesn’t seem possible. It’s a blink and a lifetime. In 5 years I have found new employment, made new friendships and rediscovered old friends. I have had to take on a bigger role in family members’ care – took a crash course or two to that end. Have proudly watched both of my daughters buy their first homes – completely on their own. We recently visited my nephew in London where he is following his dreams and making his mama proud.
I am slowly building a life of my own and no longer feeling guilt for enjoying it. I’m getting closer to making a decision about my home. I trust that when the time is right the decision will make itself.
Last year I had to say goodbye to the world’s worse dog and I miss him terribly. He lived almost three years to the day from the time I wrote about his cancer. Comet And it was a good three years.
Speaking of cancer and anniversaries, I am still cancer free and only have to see the oncologist once a year. Still on medication for another ?8 years and probably longer since they keep moving the goal posts. My diagnosis was 6 years ago and end of (the tough) treatment 5 years. There’s that number again. I’d play the lottery but I used up all my luck in high school.
Whenever I’m absent from the blog for any length of time I feel guilty for not keeping up with all of the wonderful bloggers I follow. I’m going to sign off for now and do some catching up. I hope I find you all well .
I am approaching the dreaded block of time in June and July that drives home all I have lost. June 1st would have been our 31st wedding anniversary, June 6 is the 3rd anniversary of his death and July 10th the 4th anniversary of my sister’s death. My “cancerversary” is not until November when I will be 5 years cancer free. My doctors tell me the clock actually started ticking after I finished treatment and I don’t get the official “cured” for some time yet. I believe that I was cancer free when I left the OR. All the rest was just insurance. That’s my story, anyway, and I’m sticking to it.
This year has brought more losses, not through death, but in some ways more painful and certainly personal. It’s also brought some amazing and positive changes. I have a new career working with the homeless community, helping them to achieve permanent, stable housing. It is the most frustrating and rewarding work I have ever done and I love every minute of it. I still have my business, volunteer work, family and good friends to keep me busy and grounded, not to mention my animals. Comet has survived two bouts of cancer and will be 14 soon. He has a new pep in his step. Clover is nearly 10 and lame with bad hips. She struggles to walk but is content laying in a sunny spot or just hanging with me. Sage, my stolen rescue kitty is still entertaining and loving.
I am approaching my formerly referred to “helliversary” with a lighter heart than I have the past few years. I have set those who have passed, and those who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, free with love and gratitude.
I am also grateful for my readership who has seen me through cancer, highs and lows, loss and more loss and appreciated my cynical and often irreverent view on it all. Seeing the humor in things is much easier and a lot less messy than opening a vein and blogging about it all is certainly a lot cheaper than therapy.
I’ve had a few messages lately from people who only know me through this blog. I’ve been MIA. I guess when you start a blog because of a diagnosis like cancer and then disappear people wonder. I know I do and I’m always happy to see posts from the bloggers I follow. I have been reading regularly and commenting a bit, just haven’t had a lot to say, so here goes.
On the cancer front, as far as I know I’m still cancer free. I’ll know more after my upcoming 6 month check, but I don’t anticipate any bad news. I feel pretty good.
As for the rest of my life let’s see. I took a job, hated it, quit and decided to spend my time and cash building up my little business. That’s going really well and keeping me busy. The downside (and reason I took the aforementioned hated job) is the isolation of working at home. I’ve done it for years but didn’t live alone as well. I’m a self admitted home body so I’ve made an effort to get out more. Weekly dinner and drinks with friends. Biweekly breakfast with another friend. Spending time with each of my parents and my husband’s mother each week and as much time with my girls as they can spare. I’ve made two trips to Texas to see my son’s family (it’s their turn to come here!). I’ve joined a group dedicated to helping teen mothers make a good start in life and I belong to another group of ladies who fund raise for local charities. Both fun groups with a lot of really nice ladies. I look forward to the meetings. I help a friend out occasionally with her catering business. Keeping busy.
On the home front, I have been having a lot of work done on the house. I don’t feel the need to move as much as I did at first, but I doubt I will be here forever and why only fix it up to sell? I want to enjoy the results while I’m here. I will admit this winter nearly did me in. I felt tested every damn day for one reason or another (me and every one else, huh?) You would think I’d be happy to see summer but there are too many upcoming anniversaries and I would be happy to sleep through until Fall. June 1st would have been our 29th wedding anniversary, June 6th is the one year anniversary of his death. July 10th is the 2nd anniversary of my sister’s death but I never marked the first in any significant way.I was still reeling from losing my husband. I will officially be through all the “firsts” though. I’ll let you know if that makes it any easier.
My mom and I were buying flowers the other day. I loaded up on baskets and flats. We were chatting back and forth and talking about what we should get for the cemetery. She picked something for my sister and I picked something for my husband. And it felt normal, which made me feel slightly sick to my stomach.
I’ve been slipped the senior discount a few times. I see the double takes and the questioning looks and I silently dare them to ask. One kid was all of 17 and when I said “don’t be fooled by the hair” he laughed and I was happy to pay full price. When they don’t ask and give me the discount I say nothing. One woman asked me the other day and it was the first time I was offended. She was at least my age and had about a half inch of gray roots showing. I wanted to ask if she thought that bad dye job was fooling anyone. I’m not giving in and dying my hair but I think I will let it grow long and wild. I’m hoping for the aging hippie look. I’ll probably end up with more of a crone vibe.
This post is all over the place, much like my mind these days. Sorry.
How am I doing? I’m doing well, finding my footing. Thanks for asking. How are you doing?