How to (re)train your brain

Are you suffering from chemo brain, age related dementia, permanent brain damage from doing this   during presidential debates?  Is your give a shit broken and you just can’t seem to learn new things?  Well, have I got a deal for you!  A FREE website to retrain your brain. Just sign up and play a few games especially selected for you  http://www.lumosity.com   And by free I mean you can play for 5 minutes but in order to unlock the full glory of your brain it’s gonna cost you.

Yeah, so I signed up last night thinking it was just another free game site (like I need another time suck) and (I kid you not) when I tried to sign in today I could not remember my user name and password. Phew! I found this site just in the nick of time apparently!  Just signed up again and after answering a bunch of questions was  given 3 games to play.  After scoring, apparently there is an 87 percent chance I can improve based on my age and awesome skills.   For you math geniuses that means there is a 13 percent chance of me forgetting my user information again or deciding my broken give a shit is not on the short list for repair. I’m good with being in the minority.

I’ve been doing things without my consent.

I do a lot of online shopping for my business so getting packages delivered is nothing new, but every day is an adventure lately when mysterious boxes arrive and I have no idea what they could be. Apparently within the last week someone decided I needed two boxes of business cards.  I do actually need them but one box usually does me for the better part of a year.   It  was probably the same someone who joined two book clubs within a weeks time and managed to order several duplicate books.  Someone has also been misplacing things around the house lately.  At least that isn’t costing me any money, but it is very annoying. I have it on good authority that chemo brain isn’t “real” because there is no treatment for it.  So.   

Nothing too terrible or dangerous has resulted from this non side effect that doesn’t exist. I continue to lose words and at lunch wanted badly to order killer bees but managed to find something on the menu.    I did try to remove my makeup with Biotene instead of witch hazel  the other day and thankfully realized it before reaching my eyes. This morning I put saline nasal spray in my eyes instead of eye drops.  So far I haven’t become lost, which anyone who knows me must consider a minor miracle. I have zero sense of direction.  Turning me loose pretty much anywhere and telling me I had to find my own way back would be hilarious albeit kind of cruel.  I’m sure my family has considered it.  Especially when I accuse them of hiding things just to mess with me.  

I don’t mean to cause  anyone worry.  As long as I am kept away from hazardous chemicals, anything hot, sharp or requiring a major credit card I should be okay.   

I should offer a disclaimer for my oncologist. She did not suggest I was making up the symptoms, just letting me know there was nothing to be done since there is no medical evidence, just a lot of anecdotal evidence of brain fog.  I’ve decided to embrace it and enjoy this time in my life when I cannot be held responsible for anything.  I promise not to take advantage.