Don’t ask

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Oh, I don’t mean you. You can ask me anything.  Don’t Ask is the red banner I imagine has been placed prominently across my medical file and/or employment files at my local hospital.  I had my 6 month check with Oncology yesterday and all is well on the cancer front, though apparently I am working on an ulcer. Maybe.  Or more likely my body is just reacting to the absolute clusterfuck my life has been for the past 18 months or so.   While discussing the possible causes of the stomach pain I’ve been having (yes.. I “went there” and anyone with a past diagnosis of cancer knows exactly where “there” is) and how I’m not sleeping much these days, I mentioned my husband had recently passed away.  It was exactly a year ago since she asked how my summer was going and I reported that my sister had just unexpectedly passed away.   Her face.  I almost felt sorry for her.    I was told I am doing “remarkably well” whatever that means.  Am I supposed to open a vein every time I tell someone new?  Wear widow’s weeds?  Image

As I was leaving she mentioned again how remarkably well I seem.  I told her I had no choice and she said “you can always crumble”.  I told her “not yet”.  Besides I got shit to do. I’ll schedule a break down for another time, thank you.

Last week I had a job interview.  The first step was a telephone interview with all of those ridiculous getting to know you questions.  Then I got to do it again face to face.  Things were going well until the interviewer asked “what is the biggest personal challenge you have had to face in the past year and how did you handle it?”  So, I told her.  Tissues all around.  This could go either way.. a pity hire or a big red banner across my file that says. Don’t Ask!   I’m okay with either.

I used the kitty graphic because those crazy eyes are exactly how I feel these days but the graphic below speaks to me.  I hope it speaks to you too.

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24 comments

  1. eddiesandcurrents · July 31, 2013

    Good luck with the job. I’d say you’re already a mighty strong person. Putting one foot in front of the other each day after all you’ve been though . . . well, that’s supreme strength. Sending good vibes for it all.

    Like

    • mainelyhopeful · July 31, 2013

      Thank you. I’ll take all the good vibes and luck you can send m way xo

      Like

  2. Jackie · July 31, 2013

    I agree with the graphic. When life leaves you gut punched, you have to be strong enough to stand up and move forward. It would be easier just to curl up in a ball and hope the shit storm doesn’t see you.

    I hope you get the job. They would be lucky to have you. I hope they realize that.

    Like

  3. Wife After Death · July 31, 2013

    Aches, pains, weight loss, I’ve had it all since M died. And it continues. Thinking of you. By the way: clusterfuck. Love it. X

    Like

    • mainelyhopeful · July 31, 2013

      You would be amazed how many opportunities there are to use the word. Well, maybe you wouldn’t.

      Like

      • thelifeofjamie · August 1, 2013

        If you love F word variations, you need to read Brain Rants. He pairs some wonderful words…truly an amazing gift!

        Like

        • mainelyhopeful · August 1, 2013

          Thanks for the recommendation! Sometimes a well placed f-bomb is the only thing that works.

          Like

  4. rachaelsladylumps · July 31, 2013

    I love your last graphic…it is perfect. And congrats on being able to look for a job, do interviews and be honest throughout it all. That shows more strength than most of us have in us. And I absolutely love the word “clusterfuck!” It made me smile.

    Like

    • mainelyhopeful · July 31, 2013

      Thanks Ms. Rachael. I hope you’re doing well.. enjoying the summer with the kiddos

      Like

  5. Tina Levy · July 31, 2013

    Thanks for sharing your writing with us. Your work is pretty awesome; of course, the inspiration for it has to truly suck. I am rootin’ for you. You don’t know me as I was a girlfriend to one of Hanka’s friends back in high school. No wonder Hanka married you! You’re a real kicker; someone I wish I had been friends with way back when… hugs & best wises for your full recovery as the shit continues to hit the fan until it runs out! and it will.

    Like

    • mainelyhopeful · July 31, 2013

      It’s nice to “meet” you Tina. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. You’ll have to share some stories from back in the day.

      Like

  6. thelifeofjamie · August 1, 2013

    Sometimes I truly enjoy making people feel like assholes. When I went for a mammogram that I had to fight the radiology center, and then the nurse, and then the doctor to grant (even though my insurance approved it), they asked about my mother’s history. It’s times like those I like to throw out- “my mom is dead so I just don’t know!”

    Good luck with the job!

    Like

  7. myeyesareuphere · August 1, 2013

    Xoxoxo

    Like

  8. yapa1234 · August 1, 2013

    It amazed me the number of people who asked if I was back at work yet up to a year after loosing both Mum and Tim, my husband within 3 weeks of one another last year. I was back at week a month after Tim passing for exactly the reason you mentioned, “what else was I to do? Curl up in e ball and hide.” Life goes on whether you want it to or not, you can either limp along with it or get off. Problem is the longer you’re off the harder it is to get back on.

    Like

    • mainelyhopeful · August 1, 2013

      I’m sorry for your losses. I was staggered by 2 in the same year. Just weeks apart.. I can’t even imagine 😦

      Like

  9. lawyermomfashionista · August 1, 2013

    Im so glad you’re still blogging ( hardly the appropriate word for your wonderful writing) Im amazed at your grace and inspired by your strength. Love you, friend.

    Like

  10. theempathyqueen · August 2, 2013

    I hope that the job works out if it is really the right fit. Sometimes we reconfigure to suit someone else. But your honesty is refreshing and hopefully whoever the hiring staff is realize that your challenges were met with strength and not crumbling (at least not in front of others). People don’t know what to say or react appallingly at times, but these losses are part of who you are and have made you who you are today.

    Like

  11. lmarieallen · August 9, 2013

    I’m all for being a stronger person, but I think I’ll be asking God to spread the wealth for a while!

    Like

  12. The Presents of Presence · August 25, 2013

    I am proud of you for telling your story to the interviewer. It’s reality and it shows what a strong person you are. I am sending you big hugs as always. I’m here for you my friend. ♥

    Like

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