I had to give myself a time out today.

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I was in the office with my two coworkers.  One of them had the misfortune of recounting this “really cute” skit she saw from a hospital regarding breast cancer awareness where the docs were wearing pink gloves and dancing around.  I said “You do know that pink is a color not a fucking cure for cancer, right?”   I immediately felt bad but that didn’t stop me from going on about “fun” facebook games and Image  I could feel myself getting wound up and seized on a cartful of charts that had to be put away in a distant room.  While I was down there in my self-imposed exile I was mentally lecturing myself.  I told myself that just because I had breast cancer that didn’t give me the right to behave badly.  Then I wondered what did give me that right?  Image Surely I’ve earned a pass, haven’t I?   Losing my sister while undergoing my battle with cancer.  Losing my husband just when life was getting good again after cancer and the loss of my only sibling.  Having my whole life upended. Being alone in a house where there was once a family. I could go on and on, but why bother? It is what it is.  I feel like I’ve been pretty much numb emotionally since November of 2011 and I’m starting to thaw out a bit.  And I’m more than just a little pissed off.  Pissed off that the 30% of breast cancer patients who are stage 4 (if you don’t know about cancer staging or metastasis and don’t want to leave the pink haze to google I’ll just say there is no stage 5 and leave it at that) get one day ONE during this whole pepto bismol drenched month of “awareness”.  Why?  Because it’s kind of hard to sexualize a dying woman.  They’ve passed the stage of saving the ta-ta’s. They just want to fucking live.

I’m pissed off about a lot of other shit, too but this will do. For now.

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28 comments

  1. Lori · October 22, 2013

    You GO Girl!! I could NOT have said it better. Pink is polite…and it hasn’t done much for us. Time to take the pink boxing gloves OFF!

    Like

  2. Tina Levy · October 22, 2013

    I have been fortunate and have no claims to cancer of any kind. just want to offer a hug of compassion and tell you that my heart is full for your situation. It’s not a pity thing. It’s a human to human connection I feel with those (not FOR those) who are experiencing big bad shit in their lives. major hugs for you, Susan. I hold you in my heart and my prayers. I don’t deal with the same issues as you but I ask for your prayers as well.

    Like

  3. valerianfields · October 22, 2013

    You’ve said it well. I don’t feel like a survivor and I don’t celebrate Pinktober. Instead, I worry that I’ll be part of the 30% since my mother is. There is no celebration and my worries are not cute.

    Like

  4. rachaelsladylumps · October 22, 2013

    I am in awe that you were able to sum up breast cancer w/3 little sentences. “Because it’s kind of hard to sexualize a dying woman. They’ve passed the stage of saving the ta-ta’s. They just want to fucking live.” It hits home. And I thank you for putting that out there. Sending you good vibes through these shitty times you are experiencing.

    Like

  5. eddiesandcurrents · October 22, 2013

    Rant on, Sister! I’m with you. And I feel for you.

    Like

  6. decisionsformyfamily · October 22, 2013

    I think you get more than a pass, behave how ever you like or need to for that matter. You do not need to explain to anyone. Anger seems perfectly normal. You have had more than your share and if a small rant is the worst of it I would say you are doing great! Hang in there. I know it does not mean much but know there are many of us who are thinking of you and wishing you the best!

    Like

  7. rachaelsladylumps · October 23, 2013

    You need to watch this….it is what you are talking about! http://foodmatters.tv/product/pink-ribbons-inc

    Like

  8. Tracey · October 23, 2013

    I feel your pain re: pink and cancer. It’s my favorite color, but man, I hate it sometimes. Especially since The Diagnosis. Rant on, lady, you’ve earned it.

    Like

  9. Elyse · October 23, 2013

    Here, here.

    Like

  10. lmarieallen · October 23, 2013

    I don’t know you, but I love you! Most excellent.

    Like

  11. karen sutherland · October 23, 2013

    GOOD FOR YOU!!! yes, you have earned the right to have a good rant. on top of all you have gone through, and with all the loss you have suffered, the cute pink must feel like just too fucking much. and i’m with Rachael – those three sentences you wrote were a powerful truth, and people need to know that truth. thank you so much for telling it.

    love and light,

    karen

    Like

  12. The Presents of Presence · October 23, 2013

    Big heartfelt hugs to you Susan. I understand. xoxo

    Like

  13. John Jones · October 23, 2013

    You have experienced a lifetime of terrible situations and results of a unrelenting disease in a very short time. You have the right to vent without any feeling of guilt if it helps. No one understands better than the one who is or has gone through this.

    John & Jean Marie Jones

    Like

  14. thelifeofjamie · October 23, 2013

    I think it’s great you spoke up. I have a problem with these months of “awareness”. When I’m spending 50$ on something and .22 cents goes towards the cause, I question it. I also can’t stand that people want to raise awareness by wearing pink. My husband’s department is wearing pink shirts this month, yet NO money is going towards research. It’s just awareness. Lame.

    I have been reading you and not always commenting- but I think you kick ass, and I invite you to enjoy the movement of me and a friend…it’s called FIF- fuck it Friday. You are personally invited to not give a F on Fridays and can be the biggest bitch you want to be, because- Fuck It!!!

    Hugs to you!

    Like

  15. myeyesareuphere · October 24, 2013

    Missed you, Susan. Love the post!

    Like

  16. miltonia10 · October 29, 2013

    I feel for you Susan. Sometimes life just sucks. You have had more than your share of grief in a very short period of time. Down the road there must be something better AND not pink. Rant on girl, it may make you feel better.

    Like

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