breast cancer

If you are a fan of irony

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

I was reading a blog this morning by keepthecalm, where she mentions the laundry list of drugs she is on and I had to comment.  We spend a life time avoiding cancer causing poisons.  Stay out of the sun, don’t eat foods with tons of additives, watch what you put in your body and on your body, eat organic, load up on antioxidants, etc. etc. You would have to live under a rock to not know all the things that cause cancer.  Yet, you get cancer anyway. You do all the right things, you try to eat right and exercise, get plenty of rest, and either family genetics or just bad luck sneak up on you and bite you on the ass. Some things you just can’t predict, avoid or outrun.  The irony is in the cure.  To combat the cancer you voluntarily allow doctors to pump you full of poisons on a regular basis for months. You lie still while they blast you with (cancer causing) radiation, you subject yourself  to MRIs, xrays and full body scans.. more radiation,  more over a few months period than many people have in a lifetime. You read the short and long term side effects of the medications and find out that many cause cancer. Yup.. I will cure my breast cancer, but now I’m at a higher risk for uterine and ovarian cancer.  My previously healthy heart may be weakened by the chemotherapy, I could have long term numbness of the hands and feet. Yet what real choice do I or any of us have?  Better to kill the devil we know than worry about the one that may or may not rear it’s ugly head down the road. And if it does, we will use more poisons to kill that one and worry about the long term effects of those.

One last thought on the Komen/Planned Parenthood brouhaha

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

It’s not often you get to use the word brouhaha in a sentence.

As a current breast cancer patient I am sure I’m benefitting from Susan G. Komen, so I have been feeling a bit hypocritical about my rants over the past couple of days. I’m not flipflopping on my position, however.  I still feel they were wrong and I’m still happy that Planned Parenthood got so much support in response.  I’m still not sure how wrapping cancer up in a pretty pink bow helps anyone and I felt that way long before my own diagnosis.

If using pink kitchen gadgets and festooning yourself in pink ribbons makes you feel like you are doing something, that’s great.  If a small portion of what you spend on those items actually goes into breast cancer research, even better. Pink handguns?  really?

I’ve never understood how packaging artery clogging fried chicken in pink buckets and wrapping products made with cancer causing chemicals in pink bubble wrap exactly helped breast cancer patients.  I bet it did help the companies who directly or indirectly cause cancer feel better about themselves (and make a lot of money off a public who can’t seem to see beyond the pink). I am not disputing the Susan Komen foundation has done a lot for breast cancer awareness.  Have they done a lot to find a cure?  I have no idea. My cynical side tells me there is no money in a cure.

If anything this whole cluster has reminded me to look really carefully at where funds go (and don’t go) before donating to any organization based on an emotional reaction.  That’s not a bad thing.

And in breaking news…

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

Susan G Komen has reversed their decision to defund Planned Parenthood. That is really good news and kudos to all that stood up for Planned Parenthood, the top officials at SGK who resigned, the senators who called on them to put politics aside and do the right thing, the bloggers, and everyone who lit up facebook and twitter to spread the word.  It pays to make your voice heard.  What’s not so good news is the scrutiny they have put themselves under, not to mention the distrust that many now feel toward them.  Some betrayals are hard to get over and I don’t think they will be able to pinkwash this anytime soon.

Today I played the cancer card

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I got one of those annoying phone calls from an obnoxious telemarketer excitely telling me I had WON. He told me to grab a pen and I dutifully pretended to. Then he blathered on and on about my prizes while I filed my nails.  Finally.. the rub. I had to come (with my husband) to claim my prize and sit through a quick demonstration.  Now normally I cut these jokers off at the pass but I let this kid go through the whole spiel. And then I said “Oh next week? I won’t be able to make it. I’ll be receiving cancer treatments.  The week after? Sorry, I’ll probably be too sick”.  Awkward silence.  “Matt? are you still there?”   click.

I’m easily amused these days.

No more pink ribbons for me.

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

My new gravatar depicts perfectly how I felt when I read the following blog last night http://ihavebreastcancerblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/shame-shame-shame-on-susan-g-komen/  and how angry I still feel with the Susan G Komen foundation.  While I’ve never been a fan of the ribbon, I have been a fan of any organization that works hard to raise money for cancer research and supports early detection screenings. Not just breast cancer, but for all cancer.  However, no cancer seems to get as much press as breast cancer.  Not even children’s cancer and that has always troubled me.  When October rolls around and the whole world turns pink I wonder if people affected by other types of cancer feel any resentment? I think I would in their shoes.  But I digress.. the reason for this rant is the fact that the foundation, who has been providing funding to Planned Parenthood, has pulled that funding based on the personal ideology of their new VP of public policy, a one Karen Handel who actually once ran for Governor of Georgia on a platform of defunding Planned Parenthood. I have to wonder if she took this job soley to fulfill her own twisted agenda.  And I also have to wonder why the rest of the organization is going along with it. The monies given to Planned Parenthood by SGK were for early breast cancer detection. Not for abortions. Not for birth control. But to provide women who might otherwise have no way to get it,  breast cancer screening.  I don’t care what your political or religious views are and I won’t bore you with mine, but I am sick to death of women’s healthcare being held hostage by the rantings of extremists. Conservatives don’t want the government to pay for healthcare, yet they want to dictate how nonprofits handle their funding?   It’s crazy making.   In the future when asked to sponsor someone in the “walk for a cure” I will politely decline and make a donation to Planned Parenthood instead.  Join me?

And now I am putting to rest my ribbon. I can support breast cancer research without festooning myself and my house in pink ribbons.  You can too.

Look good, feel better? Not so much.

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

Today I went to the Cancer Center to participate in the Look Good, Feel Better program. First, let me start by praising the program and the volunteers.  The volunteers give freely and generously of their time and were so friendly and upbeat.  They gave skin care and make up demonstrations.  (Apparently I have been doing it wrong for 35 + years). They even cut and styled two wigs.  We all left with make up and skin care products worth well over $200.00, donated by top brands. So what’s the problem you ask?  I went into this feeling pretty good.  When I looked around my heart kind of sank. Many of the other women looked like.. well… cancer patients.  Maybe I’m delusional and I do, too, but I really don’t think so.  And then, as women do, everyone started chatting.  There were the usual pleasantries, but a lot of talk of diagnoses, treatment and prognosis.  Not much of it was very positive. One lady asked me how I dealt with depression and I answered honestly that I haven’t experienced any (yet?).  She looked kind of skeptical.   Before we left one woman asked if I attended the support groups at the center.  They are held one Wednesday evening a month and I had thought about maybe going in the spring.  I’m not fond of driving all that way in the winter, at night.  Now, I’m rethinking that. Maybe I’m the world’s most selfish breast cancer patient but if today was any indication of what those meetings would be like, I cannot see myself voluntarily sitting through them.  I just can’t surround myself with cancer and sadness, depression and anger.  I was told if I ever have blood drawn or go to the ER to be sure to identify myself as a cancer patient and I kind of bristled at that.  Yes. I have cancer. I also have green eyes, a tendency to migraines and an irreverent sense of humor. None of those things on their own define me.  I refuse to be defined by a temporary medical condition and I don’t want to be around people who define themselves that way.  On the other hand.. as soon as I started this blog, I immediately searched for other blogs about breast cancer, chemotherapy, women with cancer.. and I follow several.  Not all are cheerful every day, but all make me smile or comment. Most of the bloggers that I follow are hopeful and see the humor in the same things I do.  Some are very spiritual and I find comfort in reading their words.  Some are brutally honest about not so great medical results, but not one has ever left me feeling so dark and sad as that meeting today. I can’t explain it but then I’ve never claimed to make sense.

I don’t know what I expected to get out of today. It seemed kind of rude to turn down such a generous offer and I thought it might be fun. Some of it was, but I left carrying the little red makeup bag that identified me as a cancer patient in case anyone needed clarification, a headache and a lump in my throat. And my wig was choking me.

My wig is choking me!

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

Had breakfast with a friend today who I hadn’t seen since before my diagnosis.  We’ve spoken often, just not face to face.  I wore a new wig for the first time and omg.. I wanted to snatch it off my head the whole time. This is where I should mention that I have a perfectly lovely wig that was given to me free of charge through the American Cancer Society. It was fit when I had a full head of hair and I loved it so much that I went to the site of the maker of it and ordered a second one in a different, shorter style.  I have worn the free one twice and the new one one time.   Btw.. the American Cancer Society also sponsors the Look Good Feel Better workshop that I will be attending on Monday.  I will probably not be wearing a wig to that.

So anyway, my friend said the wig looked great. Very natural. So why did I feel like some animal had landed on my head and nested?  I visited with my mom for a while and the first thing I did was take it off. I reluctantly put it back on when I made a trip to the grocery store.    When I was cashing out a woman I have known for probably 25 years said “I love your hair!” *snort*  and came over to touch it (who does that?).    I just said “thank you” and wondered to myself what she would say if I blurted out it was a wig.  After I loaded up my bags I got in my car and immediately took it off and put on a soft cap I had with me.  It never occurred to me that someone might see me and I don’t really care if anyone did.  So why can’t I bring myself to leave the house without it, other than for medical appointments? Should I really care about other people’s discomfort if I look like a cancer patient?  Something to ponder.

Today’s smile

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

Usually when Fed Ex or UPS shows up it’s with packages for my ebay store. Nothing too exciting so I ignored the bell because I was doing housework commando (bald).  When I did grab the package I had a delicious surprise from my cousin and her family.  I’ve already eaten one and now I need to hide them before the mister gets home.

Shari’s Berries

I don’t want to talk about cancer today

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

But since this is why I started the blog I will just mention that this second round of chemo is going well and leave it at that. I woke up today to falling snow and felt lucky that I have nowhere to be and the perfect excuse to stay home even if I did. I huddled under a blanket with coffee and the newspaper and by the time I was finished, the snow had stopped and the sun had come out.  There is nothing prettier than blue skies and fresh snow.  I have been watching the blue jays and squirrels compete for the corn in the feeders and the dogs romping around in the fresh powder.  I’m catching up on some bills and computer work and feeling blessed.   Hope you all have a great day/weekend.

If they are blessings why do they need a disguise?

Posted on by mainelyhopeful

No one has used that phrase about my diagnosis of breast cancer, at least not to my face but you hear it so often when someone is sick or even dying.  How their illness is a “blessing in disguise”?  I’ve never understood that. Blessing? Really? I have been blessed in many ways but having breast cancer is not in the top 10. Top 100 even.

I do admire people who can find blessings in things like illness. I’m just not at a point where I can agree.  A tip of the wig to you.